Signs from Mom

I lost my mom twice.  While I physically lost her on March 11, 2018, I lost her so many years ago to Alzheimer's.  At this time in my life of raising my own little girl, I often think of everything we have missed out on and how different our lives would be if she were here.  And while I try to remain thankful for what I do have, the truth is, I sometimes get mad at God for taking her away.  Why did this have to happen to her?  And what did we, as a family do to deserve this fate?

More often than not, though, I just get sad.  Sad when I see grandmothers out with their grand kids or hear about my coworkers who are off to visit/babysit theirs for the weekend.  Sad when Alexis does or says something that reminds me so much of my younger self, and I want to tell Mom that she was right (and that I'm sorry!).  And, selfishly, sad when we don't have her to watch Alexis so we can have a date night or to take her overnight for a sleepover.

The other night, Dan had a work event and there was a spin class I really wanted to go to.  Since he wasn't home to watch Alexis, though, I had to miss my class.  I wasn't going to get a babysitter for less than an hour, and I didn't want to impose on my brother or a friend just so I could go to the gym.  I know, though, that if my mom was alive, she would have been over in a heartbeat.  I would have gone to class and then probably would have picked up a pizza on the way home for us to share (thus happily negating the workout).  It's things like that that really bother me.

I often think of what we would be doing if she was still here.  I long for the times I would call her up and ask her to go to lunch or to the movies.  I think about how she would have spent so much time at our house, especially when I was home on maternity leave.  We would have loved to go to yard sales and flea markets and attack those after Christmas sales together.

And it's not like I don't have anyone else to do these things with. Dan tries his best to understand my hunt for a good bargain, and my Dad has done more than enough to try and fill the role of both parents.  But it's not the same.  Moms are never replaced.

But, despite all this, I know that for all I have missed out on and for all that she has missed, I gained so much in the time we did have with her.  She taught me everything I know about being a mom and for that, I am eternally grateful.  She saved everything from my childhood - my old clothes, toys, books, etc. - and when I pass these on to Alexis, it's like she's giving us a gift without even being here.

And I do believe that some good has come from this, because, even through the sadness, we try to make the best of it.  We advocate for Alzheimer's in hopes that one day, no other family will have to go through this.  We have raised over $125,000 for the Alzheimer's Association with the love and support from our family and friends.  And we are there for each other in the good times and bad.  Mom would have especially loved how close we have grown since her original diagnosis.

So, while I do miss her every minute of every day, I do know that she's always with us.  As further proof of that (which is something I need every now and then) there have been so many signs from her since she passed that just can't be ignored.

One day over the summer, we were walking around downtown Salem with my sister-in-law and brother-in-law.  Someone on the street was playing music, and as we walked by, he started to play "What A Wonderful World".  Mom's favorite song.  My eyes filled with tears.

Also this summer, Dan and I took Alexis to Story Land.  While there, we walked by a randomly placed Pop-Up Book Mobile in the park with a few books for sale as part of a literacy program the park was promoting.  As I sifted through the racks, I came across several Little House on the Prairie books.  These were different books I had never seen before and ones I knew Mom wanted me to add to our collection.

My mom and I also loved looking for loose change whenever we were out.  We would pick up anything we found, mostly pennies, and put them in our purple crayon piggy bank.  Every so often, we would roll the money and use it to do something special together.  We'd rent a movie, go out for ice cream, or get MacDonald's.  Though it never amounted to much, the time spent together and the memories that little habit had created, was priceless.  Now whenever I see loose change on the street, I pick it up, smile, and thank Grandma for sending a sign.  And of course, put it in the purple crayon piggy bank.


For Halloween, I wanted Alexis to be Laura Ingalls.  I figured this was probably my last chance to get her to wear something I wanted without her putting up too much of a fight.  I really talked Laura up just before Halloween, and we watched bits and pieces of the show.  The afternoon of our town's Horribles Parade, Lex, dressed in her Laura Ingalls costume (and quite proudly for that matter), got out of the car only to find a penny at her feet.  Thanks Mom.

And finally, when I went to get my tattoo this summer in Mom's memory, we were talking to the tattoo artist about its meaning.  I asked her what her first tattoo was and she said a small butterfly.  My mom, conservative as she was, always wanted a small butterfly tattoo.  I knew she was there with me that day.

So even though Mom is gone from this world, I know her spirit remains alive.  If I can be even half the mother she was, then I know Alexis will be just fine.

Be well,

No Spend January

It’s February 1^st!  I swear, January has 100 days.  It was one of the longest months ever.  BUT…I attempted a no spend January for the entire month!

I love to shop.  Like I LOVE it!  And Alexis loves to shop.  So, we often found ourselves wandering the aisles of any given store on the weekends.  Home Goods, TJ Maxx, Target…they speak my language.  They get me.  

But it was getting out of hand.  I never actually spent a ton of money (I love the Dollar Store and a good bargain), but I needed to rein it in, especially after the Christmas season.  So, with the new year, I decided to test myself.

The Rules:

• No unnecessary spending
• Birthday gifts were ok (we have so many January/February birthdays in our family)

That was it.  

Could I really do this?  I didn't really tell anyone because, to be honest, I didn't know if I was going to succeed.  And at first, it was hard. I have a bit of a YouTube addiction and watch a ton of shop with me and haul videos.  I learned that those were definitely a trigger. 

I needed to change the way I thought about shopping and not treat it like a favorite hobby.  I needed to find other things to do besides retail therapy.

The easiest thing to do was just to avoid going into stores.  This was fine during the week, but harder on the weekends.  This was especially hard when Dan was working on Saturdays and Alexis and I were home.  Normally, we'd run errands and pop into Target.  So we had to find other things to do.  We spent more time at home.  She rediscovered toys she had forgotten about.  I got a lot of projects done.  We watched more movies (that we got free from the library).  And it was fun.

Later in the month, I did have to go into some stores for birthday gifts.  I was nervous that I would be tempted to buy something else, but I ended up looking around, getting what I needed, and leaving.  That was huge for me.

So, in the end, did I do it?  The answer is YES! 

I have not been into a Target in 2019.  Are they going to file for bankruptcy now?  I didn’t even shop using the gift cards I got for Christmas.  Normally, those babies are gone by January 1^st.

 

In the interest of full disclosure, my only purchase (and I had this pre-approved by Dan) was for some Project Life supplies, so I could catch up on Lex’s books while we spent those Saturdays at home.  Since it was something I needed, did I really have to wait until February to buy it just so I could say I did a no spend January? The answer was no. 

In the end, here’s what I learned:

• I don’t NEED to run out to the store just because I see something online.  I still watched YouTube videos, but saw them in a different light.  If I saw something I liked, usually after a few days, I kind of forgot about it
• I can find new ways to use things I already have and don't have to go buy something new
• Buying those birthday gifts for others was just as, if not more, fun than buying things for myself
• I had a LOT more time now and found better uses for it
• I de-cluttered and even made a few bucks at the consignment store and on Facebook (that I did NOT spend)
• If there was something I still really wanted, I put it on my birthday list

There were definitely a few times when I wanted to call friends and grab dinner or plan a girls shopping day, but remembered I was on a spending freeze, so I didn’t.  This made me realize, though, that I would much rather spend money on experiences and time with friends than all the stuff.  Going forward, I am going to focus on that.

So will I do this again?  Maybe.  Maybe not.  I actually don’t feel like I need to, though.  The past 31 days has absolutely taught me new habits.  The way I approach shopping and spending money has changed.  There isn’t a lot I really NEED.

But I do really miss the Target Dollar spot.

Be well,

Being a Mom - The First Year

Have I mentioned before how fast time is going and how I can't believe my baby is now a year old?  It's insane.  So I thought that since we now have a year under our belts, I would talk a little bit about my experience so far.

Let me start off my saying, I loved being pregnant and luckily, I had a fairly easy pregnancy.  I never got morning sickness, went to spin class until I was about 8 months, never really had cravings, and just enjoyed feeling the baby grow.  It was the calm before the storm, and I really loved it.

And today, I love being a mom.  I love taking Lex places, playing with her, showing her off, picking out her clothes, getting her food ready, seeing how her day was at daycare, etc.  I don't even mind doing her laundry.  Little girl clothes are too cute.

But it wasn't always so easy.  

When Lex was born, my world turned upside down.  Everyone says that once you hold your baby in your arms, it's love at first sight.  Did I love her at first?  Of course I did.  But did I feel that swell of love everyone talks about?  Not really.  And I was so sad.  What was wrong with me?  As new parents, we had no idea what we were doing, and it was all so overwhelming.  I remember coming home from the hospital and saying to Dan, "Ok, Alexis has an appointment tomorrow morning.  All we have to do is make it through the night."  And then she spit up everywhere and we panicked.  

Alexis also had a few health issues from the start, so that coupled with the sleepless nights made for a rough first few weeks.  Looking back, I can say that I definitely suffered from postpartum depression to some extent.  I don't deal well with change AT ALL.  Any kind of change.  Every time I've started a new job, I've cried the first few months until that job became part of my routine.  Even when plans change, I get flustered until I have a new set of plans, then I'm ok.  I like knowing what I'm doing on any given day and what I'm going to be doing next.  And motherhood is the complete opposite of that.  

Our first few weeks home are now truly a blur.  At the time, my friends all said to just enjoy it because before I knew it, it would be over, and I'd be wishing for those days back.  "Yeah right," I said.  "No way!"  I was SO BORED being at home with a newborn.  I hated having no structure to my day.  I hated being alone, cooped up inside in the dead of winter.  I tried to find one activity a day to do just so I had something to look forward to, but the days home without Dan were LONG.  

I also had trouble being in the house all day, but not really being able to do what I wanted.  You mean, I can't just go into the other room and scrapbook or go upstairs and watch my dvr in bed?  I'm responsible for another human being?  It was hard, I was exhausted (even though Dan did a LOT of the feeds in the middle of the night so I could rest), and I was miserable.  Also not having my mom around for this milestone really hit me hard - harder than planning our wedding and buying our first home without her.  But I went through all the motions, took her places when we could venture out, sang to her, rocked her, and took care of her as best I could.

And then my maternity leave was over.  And I went back to work.  And we started to get into a routine.  Alexis went to daycare a few days a week and was home with her Nana the other days.  And things got better.  Alexis has loved daycare from day one which has made it easier.  And she loves being home with Nana - and we are lucky that she has a grandmother to care for her.  

Once I was back to work, I started to get a bit of myself back, and I was happier.  But I still didn't love being home alone with Alexis when Dan was still at work or had something planned.  I loved when the three of us were all home together, but I still struggled with a lonely feeling when it was just her and I.  All I wanted to do was call my mom, and I couldn't.   

So the next few months were harder still, but then something happened on Memorial Day weekend.  Lex was now just over 5 months old, and we went to a BBQ at my bestest's house.  We put Lex in a swing for the first time, and she smiled and laughed.  Then we played in the bouncy house, and I started to see that having a little girl was going to be FUN.  She was getting older and starting to do more things, and so we started to do more things with her. 

The first time she sat in the carriage at Target, I squealed with delight.  She could look around and I could show her things.  She has always been a very alert and engaged baby, so now that she was able to sit up, she was taking it all in.  And at home, she was able to sit up and play with a toy.  I remember that being a big moment for both of us.

Over the next several months, she hit milestone after milestone.  She started to eat real food.  She began to crawl, then stand.  I was having a blast.  I even found myself rushing out the door at the end of the work day to pick her up just to have a few extra minutes with her.  And then it hit me.  I realized that everything I was feeling was love.  I'd look at her and just want to smile and cry all at the same time because she was growing so fast.  That swell of love (finally!) was overpowering.  It took some time, but when it hit me, it hit me HARD.

This past week, Lex moved up into the pre-toddler room at daycare.  She now has to wear sneakers to school.  She can't drink from a bottle while she's there, and she sits at a table for snack and lunch.  Wait, isn't that what big kids do?  Isn't she still a baby?  My baby.  

Dan and I always ask ourselves how we got so lucky.  She's always been a fairly easy baby and is such a happy girl.  If you see her, she'll say hi to you about 35 times until you say it back.  And then she'll say it again.  It's all too cute.  She loves her Monkey Joe (or MoJo Riley as we call him).  She starting to talk more saying things like "Bye Bear" (wonder who taught her that?!?), "yup" and "baby".  

Last night, Alexis took about 5 steps on her own.  I yelped and clapped and was so proud of her.  And then after she was fast asleep, I cried.  Tears of joy mixed with tears of sadness because it was all so much, so fast.  My little girl is growing up.  Tonight Dan has a work outing, and won't be home until later.  And I'm going to be alone with Lex for dinner, bath, and bedtime.  And I can't wait!

Be well,

 

Alexis Turns One

I'm back!  And it's only been about a year.  Where did the time go?  I literally can't believe that our baby girl just turned one.  I had always meant to stay on top of blogging, but babies sure do take up a lot of time.

As Alexis' first birthday approached, I knew my theme was going to be "What A Onederful World".  I'm sure by now you know the meaning behind that song, so when I saw that evite had a "Onederful World" theme, I knew it was fate.  I opted to do an evite instead of real invites, because, let's face it, babies are EXPENSIVE and this was free.

So now that I had my theme, I started to think of what I could do for decorations, food, etc.  I wanted to play off the "world" theme and not pull lines from the song, so we went with Mexican apps (chips and salsa, guacamole, etc.) and then Italian for the main course (calzones, pasta, meatballs).  I ordered some sign holders from Amazon and printed them myself.

For the cake, I used a local bakery, told them my theme, and asked if they could design something.  They were able to match the globe on the evite perfectly.  I just loved how the cake turned out, and it was so good!  It was also egg free due to Lexi's allergies, but no one even knew.
 

We had about 7 kids ranging in ages from one year to 5, so I wanted ways to keep them busy.  When I found the inflatable globes online and was thinking of ways to use them, Dan came up with the idea of a ball pit.  We have a mini play yard we got for our shower that we knew would be perfect.  The older kids (ages 2-5) loved this and it really entertained them.  I also added a little arts and craft area and included coloring pages I found online as well as passport sticker books from Amazon. 

For favors, I bought an extra set of inflatable globes and put a sticker on them that read "You've got the whole world in your hands".  For the big kids and adults, I bought some chocolate globes again on Amazon and put them in little bags with a ribbon tie.  I don't really think these were essential and a lot of people left without them.

General decor focused around things I already had on hand such as What A Wonderful World song books, framed pictures, and a pink letter 'A'.  I found a cute little pink and gold globe at Target and printed some lyrics to Louis Armstrong's song.  I was also lucky enough to find a map box at Home Goods months ago that I made into a card box with letters leftover from Lex's Christening.  

Since Alexis was born, I have been working on a scrapbook for her using Project Life.  I'll do another blog post on the details of that, but I put that out on display.  This ended up being a huge hit, and every time I looked, someone else was flipping through it.  

Perhaps my favorite part of the decor was the banner I picked up on Etsy.  I found a shop that printed banners on vintage maps, so I contacted them asking if they could make me a banner.  It's hard to see in the pics due to the sun, but it says "What A Onederful World" and has pink globes on the ends.  The same shop also printed the confetti which were globes and the word 'one'.  I scattered these around the tables.

The day of the party, Lex's actual birthday, was full of emotions.  I got a little choked up when everyone was singing happy birthday to her.  This past year has truly flown by and those first few months are really a blur.  I didn't believe everyone when they told me how fast it would go and that I would look back and hardly remember the sleepless nights and how tiny our little girl really was.  I'm sure in no time I'll be doing a post for her second birthday!

Be well,

Baby Girl Nursery Reveal

My faithful readers, I know you've been waiting for this post.  We had the nursery done a few weeks before baby's arrival, but I was waiting on the reveal until she was here.  And then she was 8 days late, so that has delayed things even more.

Let me start by saying that nesting is real.  As we approached the due date, I didn't want to leave the house at all.  I just wanted to be home with Dan organizing, cleaning, and decorating.

Once we knew the baby was healthy and we found out she was a girl, Project Nursery began.  We had to transform the space from walk-in closet to baby's room.  We started by emptying everything out.  The room was actually a lot bigger once all my clothes were out.  We moved everything into the other side of our bedroom which is pretty much just open space.  Eventually I hope to convert this to a true closet, but we'll see.  

After the room was emptied and cleaned, Dan painted.  I knew I wanted gray walls no matter the gender, so we used the same color we have in our guest bedroom.  Then, it was time for furniture.  I also knew I wanted white furniture from the start, so over the summer, we purchased her crib from Amazon.  We had seen the one we wanted at Babies R Us, but it was cheaper on Amazon with free shipping.  Dan was going to have to assemble it either way, so this was the better option.  A little while later, we found the matching dresser and a glider, so we ordered those.  The last piece of the furniture puzzle was a shelving unit which we found at Target.  We flipped the dresser and crib a few times, but settled on the way it is now.

Our fall was pretty busy, so it wasn't until Halloween weekend that we finally had a chance to put the finishing touches on baby girl's room.  Plus we had to wait at least until after the shower.  We took out everything we wanted to hang on the walls, including some shower gifts, and shelves we bought at Target and came up with a layout.  Dan then hung everything to my specifications.

Then we had to order a blackout shade, so we found a cordless one at Home Depot (after a failed attempt at one from Christmas Tree Shop).   I had found a pink tulle curtain at Target over the summer as well, so that went up as well.  For the inside of the dresser, I ordered some drawer organizers from Ikea.

We went back and forth over whether to get a small table for next to the glider, but there wasn't much room.  Then we debated a floor lamp, but the short ceiling height limited (and by limited, i mean virtually eliminated) that option.  I looked for a small lamp for such a long time and couldn't find anything I liked.  I had seen one at Target with a wooden base that was the perfect side, but I didn't know if the wood tone would go with the rest of the decor.  I finally just decided to test it out and I actually liked the contrasting wood with all the white and gray in the wood.  Plus it tied in with the wooden toys and the rocking horse.

Now that everything was in, it was time to play.  I actually took a day off work to organize.  I loved it.  I washed most of her clothes and organized the dresser, and hung everything else up in her closet.  I did leave the tags on a lot of stuff just in case she grows too fast and misses wearing something.  I had purchased some closet dividers on Etsy that I used to separate the sizes.  I know I'll only use these for a few months, but then I thought I could easily use my label maker and change out the tags for future use.  

Once her clothes were organized, I set to work on the shelves.   This was tough, but I eventually found something I was happy with.  I tried to mix in some new things with some sentimental things I already had. 

For her crib, I went with a pink tulle bedskirt that matched the curtains and then some plain gray sheets.  I actually opted not to buy baby bedding.  It was so expensive and I figured we wouldn't use much of it anyway and it would be more for show.  So I took some throw blanket and used them to accent the crib, as well as some stuffed animals and the sign from our shower.  Obviously, everything will come out once she's sleeping in there, but for now, it works.

 

Since the room is small, we needed to get the most use out of every space possible.  I used a jewelry organizer that I had on hand to hang behind the door.  I put some of her accessories in there like bows and also some pacifiers. 

Outside her door there is a little nook that I knew needed something functional.  I toyed with a few ideas and ultimately settled on a rolling cart from Ikea to house her bathing supplies, extra wipes, and anything "medical" such as her thermometer, snot sucker, etc.  I also thought it a good place to display her adorable growth chart.  I found a heart shaped board at Target with hooks that I used to hang her robe and towels.  The upstairs bathroom is close to the nursery, so we figured we could wheel the cart in for bath time, and then wheel it back.  And as she gets older, we can use it for whatever else we might need.

Here is the view when you first enter the nursery.  The crib is to the right and the bookshelf on the left.  It pretty much turned out the way I had envisioned it which doesn't always happen with my ideas, so I was happy this one was true to form.

Be well,

What A Wonderful World

Ever since I can remember, my mom's favorite song was "What A Wonderful World" by Louis Armstrong.  She danced with my brother to it at his wedding, and it has always had a special meaning for her and our family.  When Dan and I found out we were pregnant, it was bittersweet because I wasn't able to share it with Mom like I wanted to.  It would be something that would follow me throughout my entire pregnancy and something that I would just have to learn to deal with.  

One day after we first found out, though, we were at Barnes and Noble just puttering around.  We passed by a table of random kid's books where I saw this one:

I knew right away we were going to buy it and display it somewhere in the nursery.  To me, it was a sign that Mom was still part of this pregnancy.  

Over the summer, I ransacked my parent's house looking for things to add to the nursery and found a big tub of Clifford the Big Red Dog books.  As a nursery school teacher, my mom treasured these books.  I knew I wanted to pass them along to our daughter, so I took them home and stored them in the nursery for the time being.  

One day, when it was finally time to put everything in its place, I started to go through the Clifford books.  As I was going through them, a single piece of paper fell out of one of them.

In purple (the signature color for Alzheimer's disease), it said "What A Wonderful World".  It was my mom's handwriting.  Also on the paper were the names of two men.  I looked at the book we bought earlier, and it was the men who wrote the song.  Things had come full circle 

I eventually found a small frame for her note and placed it alongside the book on her shelf.  Now Baby Girl Cohen will know that even though her Grandma can't talk to her or hold her, she will always be watching out for her.  It really is a wonderful world.

Be well,