Being a Mom - The First Year

Have I mentioned before how fast time is going and how I can't believe my baby is now a year old?  It's insane.  So I thought that since we now have a year under our belts, I would talk a little bit about my experience so far.

Let me start off my saying, I loved being pregnant and luckily, I had a fairly easy pregnancy.  I never got morning sickness, went to spin class until I was about 8 months, never really had cravings, and just enjoyed feeling the baby grow.  It was the calm before the storm, and I really loved it.

And today, I love being a mom.  I love taking Lex places, playing with her, showing her off, picking out her clothes, getting her food ready, seeing how her day was at daycare, etc.  I don't even mind doing her laundry.  Little girl clothes are too cute.

But it wasn't always so easy.  

When Lex was born, my world turned upside down.  Everyone says that once you hold your baby in your arms, it's love at first sight.  Did I love her at first?  Of course I did.  But did I feel that swell of love everyone talks about?  Not really.  And I was so sad.  What was wrong with me?  As new parents, we had no idea what we were doing, and it was all so overwhelming.  I remember coming home from the hospital and saying to Dan, "Ok, Alexis has an appointment tomorrow morning.  All we have to do is make it through the night."  And then she spit up everywhere and we panicked.  

Alexis also had a few health issues from the start, so that coupled with the sleepless nights made for a rough first few weeks.  Looking back, I can say that I definitely suffered from postpartum depression to some extent.  I don't deal well with change AT ALL.  Any kind of change.  Every time I've started a new job, I've cried the first few months until that job became part of my routine.  Even when plans change, I get flustered until I have a new set of plans, then I'm ok.  I like knowing what I'm doing on any given day and what I'm going to be doing next.  And motherhood is the complete opposite of that.  

Our first few weeks home are now truly a blur.  At the time, my friends all said to just enjoy it because before I knew it, it would be over, and I'd be wishing for those days back.  "Yeah right," I said.  "No way!"  I was SO BORED being at home with a newborn.  I hated having no structure to my day.  I hated being alone, cooped up inside in the dead of winter.  I tried to find one activity a day to do just so I had something to look forward to, but the days home without Dan were LONG.  

I also had trouble being in the house all day, but not really being able to do what I wanted.  You mean, I can't just go into the other room and scrapbook or go upstairs and watch my dvr in bed?  I'm responsible for another human being?  It was hard, I was exhausted (even though Dan did a LOT of the feeds in the middle of the night so I could rest), and I was miserable.  Also not having my mom around for this milestone really hit me hard - harder than planning our wedding and buying our first home without her.  But I went through all the motions, took her places when we could venture out, sang to her, rocked her, and took care of her as best I could.

And then my maternity leave was over.  And I went back to work.  And we started to get into a routine.  Alexis went to daycare a few days a week and was home with her Nana the other days.  And things got better.  Alexis has loved daycare from day one which has made it easier.  And she loves being home with Nana - and we are lucky that she has a grandmother to care for her.  

Once I was back to work, I started to get a bit of myself back, and I was happier.  But I still didn't love being home alone with Alexis when Dan was still at work or had something planned.  I loved when the three of us were all home together, but I still struggled with a lonely feeling when it was just her and I.  All I wanted to do was call my mom, and I couldn't.   

So the next few months were harder still, but then something happened on Memorial Day weekend.  Lex was now just over 5 months old, and we went to a BBQ at my bestest's house.  We put Lex in a swing for the first time, and she smiled and laughed.  Then we played in the bouncy house, and I started to see that having a little girl was going to be FUN.  She was getting older and starting to do more things, and so we started to do more things with her. 

The first time she sat in the carriage at Target, I squealed with delight.  She could look around and I could show her things.  She has always been a very alert and engaged baby, so now that she was able to sit up, she was taking it all in.  And at home, she was able to sit up and play with a toy.  I remember that being a big moment for both of us.

Over the next several months, she hit milestone after milestone.  She started to eat real food.  She began to crawl, then stand.  I was having a blast.  I even found myself rushing out the door at the end of the work day to pick her up just to have a few extra minutes with her.  And then it hit me.  I realized that everything I was feeling was love.  I'd look at her and just want to smile and cry all at the same time because she was growing so fast.  That swell of love (finally!) was overpowering.  It took some time, but when it hit me, it hit me HARD.

This past week, Lex moved up into the pre-toddler room at daycare.  She now has to wear sneakers to school.  She can't drink from a bottle while she's there, and she sits at a table for snack and lunch.  Wait, isn't that what big kids do?  Isn't she still a baby?  My baby.  

Dan and I always ask ourselves how we got so lucky.  She's always been a fairly easy baby and is such a happy girl.  If you see her, she'll say hi to you about 35 times until you say it back.  And then she'll say it again.  It's all too cute.  She loves her Monkey Joe (or MoJo Riley as we call him).  She starting to talk more saying things like "Bye Bear" (wonder who taught her that?!?), "yup" and "baby".  

Last night, Alexis took about 5 steps on her own.  I yelped and clapped and was so proud of her.  And then after she was fast asleep, I cried.  Tears of joy mixed with tears of sadness because it was all so much, so fast.  My little girl is growing up.  Tonight Dan has a work outing, and won't be home until later.  And I'm going to be alone with Lex for dinner, bath, and bedtime.  And I can't wait!

Be well,